It was my fault...I did not save her

Since losing my beautiful baby girl Malaysia May Drummer on February 12,2014 I have been obsessing over what I could have done differently to save my princess. The doctors could not give me an explanation for why my baby girl died when I was 38 weeks pregnant. Her cord was wrapped around her neck but the doctor assured me that it was not the cause of her death. I refuse to accept that bad things just happen. I feel like a failure as a mom because I did not save my baby. My one job was to protect her and I failed.

Packing Up My Daughter's Things

My husband and I just moved from an apartment to our new house. After my daughter died we were debating if we still needed the extra space. We decided that it would be best to move because we had too many memories of me being pregnant at our apartment. I did not think that I would have been able to handle packing up Malaysia May's things at the place where we were supposed to bring our daughter home. I felt like I would just stare at the place were her bassinet and things used to be and get sad. On the other hand, if I kept her things up I felt like people would think that I had lost my mind.

6 Months In...Already

Made with love

I can't believe that it has been 6 months since I said hello and goodbye to my precious baby girl. A lot has changed but a lot hasn't changed. I finally felt emotionally strong enough to go back to work but the pain of losing my daughter is still deeply rooted in my everyday life. I still walk into her room and look at all of her things and imagine her wearing her clothes and playing with her toys. My heart still aches when I think about everything my daughter will be missing in life like birthdays, her first day of school and prom. I still freeze up every time I see or hear a baby or small child in person or on television. I still wonder how I will ever survive life without her.

Back to Work

So today is my third day back to work since losing my daughter. The worse thing about it is that I am working for a non profit agency for children with autism and behavioral disabilities. Today has been really hard because there were small children and babies in the office and I could hear them crying. A crying baby always sets off an alarm in me. Today when I heard the crying my body began to heat up and pressure built up in my forehead. I felt like I was going to explode if I did not let the tears drop that I was trying so hard to hold back.