Christmas

A gift from her aunt Donna

This Christmas was so very different from last Christmas. Last Christmas my husband and I were filled with joy. We put a Christmas tree up and exchanged gifts. We talked about how exciting Christmas 2014 would be because we would have our baby girl with us. However, this year I could not bare to celebrate it.

Today was another day filled with heart ache and tears. The sound of Christmas music made me cringe. It is very hard to avoid it this time of the year. My boss played Christmas music everyday as soon as Thanksgiving was over. There was nothing I could do to avoid. All I could do was try to focus on my work and do my best to not let it get to me. Every time someone wished me a Merry Christmas I wanted to respond with something rude but I held my tongue because I know that it was not their fault. They did not know the pain that I have inside and how much I hated the holidays this year. When I received those jolly text messages that everyone sends out during the holidays I did not respond back to any of them. I suppose that I could have just sucked it up and replied back with Merry Christmas. But I would be lying to myself and I could not do that.

I wonder what gifts I would have got Malaysia for her first Christmas. She would be standing up and maybe even walking by now. I probably would have got her a boat load of educational toys and a toy that she could use to help her walk. I had already placed some of the toys that I wanted to get her on my Baby's R Us registry more than a year ago. I dreamed of the day when my baby girl would wake up on Christmas morning in her Christmas pajamas and my husband and I would help her open her presents. I wanted to take family photos and send them out as Christmas cards. It is so hard to let go of all the dreams that I had for Malaysia and our family.

Malaysia's Mommy