There is no Competition amongst Bereaved Mothers

There should be no competition among bereaved mother's about who's loss is worse. Losing a child at any age is still losing a child.

I'm always amazed by the ignorance of mothers who feel as though their loss was harder because their child was a live no matter how briefly that child lived. I am always pleasantly surprised by the parents who have lost grown children but still get that we share the same pain.

I have a co-worker who lost her son a long time ago due to gun violence in the city of Richmond...but she gets it. She gets that as bereaved mother's we all experience different stages of grief.

One month after Malaysia past I joined a couple of support groups for bereaved parents. In one of the groups I was the only one who lost a child that was not an adult. I met a mother who's son was lost to drinking and driving and me and this mother bonded. Talking about our losses together was effortless. This mother....she got it.

This past Tuesday I went to work and as I walked into the health center I asked our Medical Assistant how she was doing. Unexpectedly she said not good. I asked her why and she told me that she was coming up on the one year anniversary of her teenage daughter's death. Without telling her yet that I have also lost a child she completely opened up to me. I believe this was because she could sense that I was not uncomfortable and that I was interested in her story. I think that most bereaved parents know that the usual reaction when you tell someone that you have a child that has died is that the person gets very uncomfortable and does not know what to say. I listened as this mother discussed with me her daughter's personality and what she liked to do for fun. I listened as this mother discussed how she takes the long way home everyday to avoid the road where her daughter got into a fatal accident. I listened as the mom blamed herself for not purchasing her daughter a newer "safer" car. And then this mom told me that her daughter's room is the exact same way that her daughter left it a year ago on the day she died and that she was not looking forward to celebrating any holidays because there was nothing to be thankful for.

This is when I told her that I understand why she does not like to celebrate holidays because I have a daughter who passed away and I do not like the holiday season either. I also explained to her that it is normal for a bereaved parent to not want to pack up their child's room. When I told her that I got how she was feeling even though our situations were different. She stopped me and said that the loss is not different because I still am a mother without her child. I thanked her for understanding and we hugged. This mom totally got it!

Yesterday I spoke to a  relative from England that was visiting and quickly realized that she did not get it. Mind you, I have not seen this relative since shortly after Malaysia was conceived three years ago and this relative did not reach out to me to give her condolences...never...not once. No phone call, no text, no Facebook message. So naturally I thought that she would say something about my daughter's passing when I was spending time with her and my other family...you know....address the elephant in the room. Nope nothing! Maybe I was mistaken...maybe their was no elephant in the room, maybe she did not think that my daughter's life mattered. While we were at a  chinese food restaurant she asked me a question about the tattoo that I got in honor of my daughter. I told her that it was my daughter's name and she immediately got into the story of her loss. Sure I was interested in hearing about her loss. But less than 15 seconds were spent discussing my daughter. While telling me the story of the passing of her second child she told me several time how her loss was worse because her baby lived for four months. I should have said something right then and there but did not want to turn her off of me. Technically her child only lived four months longer than my daughter and in the eyes of many bereaved parents who have lost older children stillbirth is worse because I never got to have any memories with my child, never got to see her eyes, never got to hear her cry.

 I wish that people could think back to the day they delivered their first child and remember how amazing it was to meet their baby for the first time and then imagine it being the complete opposite. Imaging going into a hospital after 8 months of trying to conceive with your spouse, almost 10 months carrying a child and 22 hours of labor  to find out that you will not be leaving the hospital with your baby, that while you are being pushed out of a hospital in a wheel chair your baby is being pushed to the morgue. Maybe this will help people get it.

Coming to an End

My baby girl's birth month is coming to an end. Although I think about my daughter every day... I celebrated her life the entire month of February. It's sort of weird but February coming to an end feels like another loss. If feels like once again I have to wrap things up and move on with life without Malaysia.

For May's 2nd birthday I celebrated her life by having a small get together at my house with family. I decorated my house and fireplace with white candles, glass candle holders, flowers and the usual pink butterflies. Pink butterflies are kind of my baby girls theme. My cousin's daughter baked a delicious cake and we sang happy birthday to Malaysia. Later on that night we each wrote a message to May on a balloon and sent it off into the sky for her to enjoy. I was pleased with how my baby girl's celebration turned out.

Of course I would have rather been planning a Disney inspired birthday party for a two year old girl. I would have rather woke Malaysia up and explained to her that February 12th is her special day. I would have rather bought her a pretty little birthday dress. I would have rather invited my family and old friends with children to a kid friendly birthday party (I have been avoiding all people with small children not by choice but for survival).

My only option was to create a birthday celebration that would make Malaysia proud. I hope that this February 12th Malaysia May Drummer was with her grandma May smiling down on us and thinking...WOW...mommy did all this for me! I hope that my daughter knows that there is nothing that I wouldn't do to keep her memory alive.

Malaysia's May's Mommy

Happy birthday Malaysia May!

Feeling Guilty

It has been two months since I have written a new post and three months since I have written my daughter Malaysia in my journal. I am feeling very guilty about this. I feel that the least that I can do is write two her once a month on the 12th which is her date of birth. I mean after all she does not to get showered with love from family and friends. Writing to her every month in my diary is my way of staying connected to her.

When will stillbirth prevention be taken seriously

I work in a healthcare system where I am surrounded by talks of prenatal and postpartum care. It is a bit frustrating because I see so much focus on pregnant women but no one discusses the possibility of stillbirth. I want to shout to the whole world to stop being so blissfully ignorant. Stillbirth is a reality, us mother's of angel babies we are here. I feel as though so many people ignore stillbirth and what us mother's go through.

July 4th...again

One year ago today I started this blog as a way to help me survive the death of my daughter. I also wanted it to be a place where other mothers of stillborn babies could visit and feel less alone in their grief. The first several months following Malaysia's death the only time I felt normal was when I was reading the stories of mothers who had experienced similar losses. I could relate to the pain that they were feeling, a pain that only the mother of an angel baby would understand.

I chose July 4th as the day to start my blog because it was the day that I found out that I was expecting my beautiful baby girl.

Leading up to this day I could feel my emotions starting to build up. Right now I am imagining Malaysia playing in her kiddy pool with her red, white and blue bathing suite on. I'm imagining her looking up at me with a big smile.

Mother's Day

My feelings this past Mother's Day were mixed. On one hand I so desperately wanted people to remember that I am and will always be a mother. On the other hand I think there is nothing more cruel than not having my daughter here to celebrate the holiday with me.

It's complicated...

I wanted people to call me but I did not want them to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. I just wanted to know that they remembered. For some reason Mother's Day is the only holiday through out the whole year that I actually want to celebrate. Yet, I do not want to be around other mother's and their children on this day. Every other holiday means nothing because I cannot celebrate it with Malaysia. 

But Mother's Day....

It is a day to celebrate that I created a beautiful baby girl even if she was taken too soon. A day to remember that I AM a mother even if I cannot hold her. A day to be grateful that I get to feel the greatest love and bond that I will ever feel in my life even if it is coupled with the strongest grief. 

Love, Malaysia

Malaysia's Memorial

Her Ashes

Today marks 14 months since the tragic birth of my daughter Malaysia May. Two months ago on the one year anniversary of her birth we celebrated her life with family and friends at a beautiful golf course. 

In the months preceding her memorial I had this idea that having a memorial for May might give me some peace of mind. As a mother, whether your children are alive or passed on you possess this natural urge to DO for your children.

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I'm really tired of people using their children as an excuse to not come around me and my husband. It's as if parents feel like oh if I can't bring my kids with me than I can't be around you. Really? So these parents have no time to themselves, no hobbies, no husband and wife time (if they had no husband and wife time I doubt that their relationship would be lasting) absolutely no adult that can watch their kids? People might try and say they can't be away from their children but it's B.S.

Waiting

Waiting for the day that my longing for Malaysia is no longer excruciating.

Waiting for the day that my hope is restored.

Waiting for the day that I can look forward to my future.

Waiting for the day I can consider having another child without feeling like I would betray Malaysia.

Waiting for the day that my blog entries are less about sadness and more about metamorphosis.

Waiting...

Our Bond is Eternal

The following is a poem that my cousin Alex wrote for me a few days after the passing of Malaysia. I read the poem at a service of remembrance for families who have lost babies of their own.

Our bond is eternal and can never be replaced

Waiting for the day I'll see your beautiful little face

You will always be the love of my life

We can visit each other in my dreams.

I will cherish the memories we have already made

My love for you will never fade. 

I will always be your mother,

That will never change.

My darling Malaysia May, 

I pray you will watch over me always.

For you will always have my heart and

No one will ever take your place

Then, now, and forever you will always be 

My precious daughter who stole my heart from me.

Give my love to grandma, 

Listen to her always.

This is not a good bye, more like a hello

Because I will never let you go

11 Months

Today marks the 11 month anniversary of my daughter's birth. I try to write my progress on this blog every month so that I can measure my growth. It is one of the rituals that I do every month to acknowledge my daughter's life. I was a little bit hard on myself for not writing a post OR writing a letter to Malaysia for her 10 month anniversary. It was not as though I forgot about her birthday. I remembered it last month just as I do every month. It is hard to forget the most significant date of my life. I simply did not get around to writing her last month. Today I made sure that she had pink roses beside her urn and that I wrote a letter to her. The letters that I write to Malaysia are my way of keeping the bond that I have with her strong.

A New Year

Christmas

A gift from her aunt Donna

This Christmas was so very different from last Christmas. Last Christmas my husband and I were filled with joy. We put a Christmas tree up and exchanged gifts. We talked about how exciting Christmas 2014 would be because we would have our baby girl with us. However, this year I could not bare to celebrate it.

Funding for May's Memorial

On February 12, 2014 my precious baby girl passed away when I was 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I waited so long to meet her and I never imagined that I would have to live my life without her. My husband and I have been left devastated by our loss and our lives will never be the same.

After Malaysia was born I only had a short amount of time to hold her and love on her before she was taken away. I will miss her intensely every day of my life. I will make sure that her short time on this earth is never forgotten .

I want to give my baby girl the ultimate memorial because it is the only celebration of her life that I will be able to give her. While Malaysia was with me I had already planned out her life. I planned every birthday and every holiday celebration. I was well prepared for her arrival but nothing could prepare me for her death. It is with great sorrow that I begin the process of planning her memorial which will be held one year from her birth on February 12, 2015.

http://www.gofundme.com/MalaysiaMemorial

Not So Happy Thanksgiving

I started to write this blog entry on Thanksgiving day when I could not stop crying because another holiday had come and I was reminded again about what my baby girl was missing out on.

Today is a not so Happy Thanksgiving. I knew back in February that I didn't want to celebrate any holiday this year without my Malaysia. Today my heart aches for my baby girl. I imagine what today would be like with her here. I probably would be at my grandmother's house surrounded by family. Malaysia would be a happy and playful 9 month old baby. Of course she would have been wearing an adorable holiday dress. I would have sat her next to her cousins and taken a group photo of the next generation of McKays just as my mom did when I was younger. She would have enjoyed feasting on whatever solid foods that I could give her safely.

All of these would haves will never come true for Malaysia. Instead they will only be fantasies in my head. These fantasies help me cope with her loss.

9 months

Yesterday was the 9 month anniversary of my daughter Malaysia's birth. I always have a hard time emotionally on the 12th of every month AND leading up to her birthday. It seems as though my longing for her is getting stronger and stronger as each month goes by. All I can do is imagine what my 9 month old baby girl would be doing right. Would my sweet baby girl be saying "ma-ma" or "da-da" right now? What type of solid foods would she be eating? Would she be able to walk while holding on to something. There are so many milestones that I have missed and will continue to miss out on.

Halloween

Malaysia May's one and only Halloween costume

This year I anticipated that October would be a hard month for me. It is one of my favorite months of the year and I had already planned out what Malaysia May's costume would be this Halloween a whole year in advance. I wanted to make visiting the local pumpkin patch a family tradition for my little family of three. Last year when I was pregnant on Halloween I ordered a skeleton shirt off of etsy.com that had a baby girl skeleton with a pink bow. It reminds me a lot of Malaysia's ultrasound because she was smiling in her ultrasound picture. Little did I know when I wore our tandem costume that it would be Malaysia's first and last Halloween costume. I had planned on Malaysia wearing a lion costume this Halloween because I always found animal costumes for babies to be simply adorable.

The Day We Found Out It Was Her

One year ago today I found out that the baby that my husband and I were expecting was a girl. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Even with all of the sadness that I feel from losing my precious daughter I still smile when I think about that day. Whenever I had a prenatal appointment I would go by myself to the doctors office because my husband had to work. However, this was a special appointment and my husband would not miss finding out the sex of our baby for anything. When the ultrasound technician pulled up Malaysia's image on the screen it was love at first site for me. I was in awe by her presence. The picture on the screen was my child who was growing inside of me. Every thing on the ultrasound showed that she was a perfectly formed baby girl. I watched her do full on circles on the screen. That did not surprise me because I knew that she liked to move around. I knew that my baby girl was going to be photogenic because she was smiling in her ultrasound picture. I would give anything to go back to that day and see my baby girl alive and moving.

It was my fault...I did not save her

Since losing my beautiful baby girl Malaysia May Drummer on February 12,2014 I have been obsessing over what I could have done differently to save my princess. The doctors could not give me an explanation for why my baby girl died when I was 38 weeks pregnant. Her cord was wrapped around her neck but the doctor assured me that it was not the cause of her death. I refuse to accept that bad things just happen. I feel like a failure as a mom because I did not save my baby. My one job was to protect her and I failed.