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I'm really tired of people using their children as an excuse to not come around me and my husband. It's as if parents feel like oh if I can't bring my kids with me than I can't be around you. Really? So these parents have no time to themselves, no hobbies, no husband and wife time (if they had no husband and wife time I doubt that their relationship would be lasting) absolutely no adult that can watch their kids? People might try and say they can't be away from their children but it's B.S.

Waiting

Waiting for the day that my longing for Malaysia is no longer excruciating.

Waiting for the day that my hope is restored.

Waiting for the day that I can look forward to my future.

Waiting for the day I can consider having another child without feeling like I would betray Malaysia.

Waiting for the day that my blog entries are less about sadness and more about metamorphosis.

Waiting...

Our Bond is Eternal

The following is a poem that my cousin Alex wrote for me a few days after the passing of Malaysia. I read the poem at a service of remembrance for families who have lost babies of their own.

Our bond is eternal and can never be replaced

Waiting for the day I'll see your beautiful little face

You will always be the love of my life

We can visit each other in my dreams.

I will cherish the memories we have already made

My love for you will never fade. 

I will always be your mother,

That will never change.

My darling Malaysia May, 

I pray you will watch over me always.

For you will always have my heart and

No one will ever take your place

Then, now, and forever you will always be 

My precious daughter who stole my heart from me.

Give my love to grandma, 

Listen to her always.

This is not a good bye, more like a hello

Because I will never let you go

11 Months

Today marks the 11 month anniversary of my daughter's birth. I try to write my progress on this blog every month so that I can measure my growth. It is one of the rituals that I do every month to acknowledge my daughter's life. I was a little bit hard on myself for not writing a post OR writing a letter to Malaysia for her 10 month anniversary. It was not as though I forgot about her birthday. I remembered it last month just as I do every month. It is hard to forget the most significant date of my life. I simply did not get around to writing her last month. Today I made sure that she had pink roses beside her urn and that I wrote a letter to her. The letters that I write to Malaysia are my way of keeping the bond that I have with her strong.

A New Year

Christmas

A gift from her aunt Donna

This Christmas was so very different from last Christmas. Last Christmas my husband and I were filled with joy. We put a Christmas tree up and exchanged gifts. We talked about how exciting Christmas 2014 would be because we would have our baby girl with us. However, this year I could not bare to celebrate it.

Funding for May's Memorial

On February 12, 2014 my precious baby girl passed away when I was 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I waited so long to meet her and I never imagined that I would have to live my life without her. My husband and I have been left devastated by our loss and our lives will never be the same.

After Malaysia was born I only had a short amount of time to hold her and love on her before she was taken away. I will miss her intensely every day of my life. I will make sure that her short time on this earth is never forgotten .

I want to give my baby girl the ultimate memorial because it is the only celebration of her life that I will be able to give her. While Malaysia was with me I had already planned out her life. I planned every birthday and every holiday celebration. I was well prepared for her arrival but nothing could prepare me for her death. It is with great sorrow that I begin the process of planning her memorial which will be held one year from her birth on February 12, 2015.

http://www.gofundme.com/MalaysiaMemorial

Not So Happy Thanksgiving

I started to write this blog entry on Thanksgiving day when I could not stop crying because another holiday had come and I was reminded again about what my baby girl was missing out on.

Today is a not so Happy Thanksgiving. I knew back in February that I didn't want to celebrate any holiday this year without my Malaysia. Today my heart aches for my baby girl. I imagine what today would be like with her here. I probably would be at my grandmother's house surrounded by family. Malaysia would be a happy and playful 9 month old baby. Of course she would have been wearing an adorable holiday dress. I would have sat her next to her cousins and taken a group photo of the next generation of McKays just as my mom did when I was younger. She would have enjoyed feasting on whatever solid foods that I could give her safely.

All of these would haves will never come true for Malaysia. Instead they will only be fantasies in my head. These fantasies help me cope with her loss.

9 months

Yesterday was the 9 month anniversary of my daughter Malaysia's birth. I always have a hard time emotionally on the 12th of every month AND leading up to her birthday. It seems as though my longing for her is getting stronger and stronger as each month goes by. All I can do is imagine what my 9 month old baby girl would be doing right. Would my sweet baby girl be saying "ma-ma" or "da-da" right now? What type of solid foods would she be eating? Would she be able to walk while holding on to something. There are so many milestones that I have missed and will continue to miss out on.

Halloween

Malaysia May's one and only Halloween costume

This year I anticipated that October would be a hard month for me. It is one of my favorite months of the year and I had already planned out what Malaysia May's costume would be this Halloween a whole year in advance. I wanted to make visiting the local pumpkin patch a family tradition for my little family of three. Last year when I was pregnant on Halloween I ordered a skeleton shirt off of etsy.com that had a baby girl skeleton with a pink bow. It reminds me a lot of Malaysia's ultrasound because she was smiling in her ultrasound picture. Little did I know when I wore our tandem costume that it would be Malaysia's first and last Halloween costume. I had planned on Malaysia wearing a lion costume this Halloween because I always found animal costumes for babies to be simply adorable.