A New Year

Christmas

A gift from her aunt Donna

This Christmas was so very different from last Christmas. Last Christmas my husband and I were filled with joy. We put a Christmas tree up and exchanged gifts. We talked about how exciting Christmas 2014 would be because we would have our baby girl with us. However, this year I could not bare to celebrate it.

Funding for May's Memorial

On February 12, 2014 my precious baby girl passed away when I was 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I waited so long to meet her and I never imagined that I would have to live my life without her. My husband and I have been left devastated by our loss and our lives will never be the same.

After Malaysia was born I only had a short amount of time to hold her and love on her before she was taken away. I will miss her intensely every day of my life. I will make sure that her short time on this earth is never forgotten .

I want to give my baby girl the ultimate memorial because it is the only celebration of her life that I will be able to give her. While Malaysia was with me I had already planned out her life. I planned every birthday and every holiday celebration. I was well prepared for her arrival but nothing could prepare me for her death. It is with great sorrow that I begin the process of planning her memorial which will be held one year from her birth on February 12, 2015.

http://www.gofundme.com/MalaysiaMemorial

Not So Happy Thanksgiving

I started to write this blog entry on Thanksgiving day when I could not stop crying because another holiday had come and I was reminded again about what my baby girl was missing out on.

Today is a not so Happy Thanksgiving. I knew back in February that I didn't want to celebrate any holiday this year without my Malaysia. Today my heart aches for my baby girl. I imagine what today would be like with her here. I probably would be at my grandmother's house surrounded by family. Malaysia would be a happy and playful 9 month old baby. Of course she would have been wearing an adorable holiday dress. I would have sat her next to her cousins and taken a group photo of the next generation of McKays just as my mom did when I was younger. She would have enjoyed feasting on whatever solid foods that I could give her safely.

All of these would haves will never come true for Malaysia. Instead they will only be fantasies in my head. These fantasies help me cope with her loss.

9 months

Yesterday was the 9 month anniversary of my daughter Malaysia's birth. I always have a hard time emotionally on the 12th of every month AND leading up to her birthday. It seems as though my longing for her is getting stronger and stronger as each month goes by. All I can do is imagine what my 9 month old baby girl would be doing right. Would my sweet baby girl be saying "ma-ma" or "da-da" right now? What type of solid foods would she be eating? Would she be able to walk while holding on to something. There are so many milestones that I have missed and will continue to miss out on.

Halloween

Malaysia May's one and only Halloween costume

This year I anticipated that October would be a hard month for me. It is one of my favorite months of the year and I had already planned out what Malaysia May's costume would be this Halloween a whole year in advance. I wanted to make visiting the local pumpkin patch a family tradition for my little family of three. Last year when I was pregnant on Halloween I ordered a skeleton shirt off of etsy.com that had a baby girl skeleton with a pink bow. It reminds me a lot of Malaysia's ultrasound because she was smiling in her ultrasound picture. Little did I know when I wore our tandem costume that it would be Malaysia's first and last Halloween costume. I had planned on Malaysia wearing a lion costume this Halloween because I always found animal costumes for babies to be simply adorable.

The Day We Found Out It Was Her

One year ago today I found out that the baby that my husband and I were expecting was a girl. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Even with all of the sadness that I feel from losing my precious daughter I still smile when I think about that day. Whenever I had a prenatal appointment I would go by myself to the doctors office because my husband had to work. However, this was a special appointment and my husband would not miss finding out the sex of our baby for anything. When the ultrasound technician pulled up Malaysia's image on the screen it was love at first site for me. I was in awe by her presence. The picture on the screen was my child who was growing inside of me. Every thing on the ultrasound showed that she was a perfectly formed baby girl. I watched her do full on circles on the screen. That did not surprise me because I knew that she liked to move around. I knew that my baby girl was going to be photogenic because she was smiling in her ultrasound picture. I would give anything to go back to that day and see my baby girl alive and moving.

It was my fault...I did not save her

Since losing my beautiful baby girl Malaysia May Drummer on February 12,2014 I have been obsessing over what I could have done differently to save my princess. The doctors could not give me an explanation for why my baby girl died when I was 38 weeks pregnant. Her cord was wrapped around her neck but the doctor assured me that it was not the cause of her death. I refuse to accept that bad things just happen. I feel like a failure as a mom because I did not save my baby. My one job was to protect her and I failed.

Packing Up My Daughter's Things

My husband and I just moved from an apartment to our new house. After my daughter died we were debating if we still needed the extra space. We decided that it would be best to move because we had too many memories of me being pregnant at our apartment. I did not think that I would have been able to handle packing up Malaysia May's things at the place where we were supposed to bring our daughter home. I felt like I would just stare at the place were her bassinet and things used to be and get sad. On the other hand, if I kept her things up I felt like people would think that I had lost my mind.

6 Months In...Already

Made with love

I can't believe that it has been 6 months since I said hello and goodbye to my precious baby girl. A lot has changed but a lot hasn't changed. I finally felt emotionally strong enough to go back to work but the pain of losing my daughter is still deeply rooted in my everyday life. I still walk into her room and look at all of her things and imagine her wearing her clothes and playing with her toys. My heart still aches when I think about everything my daughter will be missing in life like birthdays, her first day of school and prom. I still freeze up every time I see or hear a baby or small child in person or on television. I still wonder how I will ever survive life without her.

Back to Work

So today is my third day back to work since losing my daughter. The worse thing about it is that I am working for a non profit agency for children with autism and behavioral disabilities. Today has been really hard because there were small children and babies in the office and I could hear them crying. A crying baby always sets off an alarm in me. Today when I heard the crying my body began to heat up and pressure built up in my forehead. I felt like I was going to explode if I did not let the tears drop that I was trying so hard to hold back.

Malaysia Airlines Crash

 

Call me crazy, but I am starting to believe that the Malaysia Airlines crashes are a sign. The questions that I am unsure of are; what kind of sign is it and from who is this sign coming from?

5 Months Into My Loss

Yesterday was the 5 month anniversary of Malaysia's birth. I have a ritual on her birthday every month. I buy flowers and light candles around the memorial for her that I have in my home. I also, look at her clothes to see what she would be wearing and go online to see what advancements she would be making every month. Most importantly, I write to her in my journal every month on her birthday.

Counseling

Since losing my daughter I have been trying to find different ways to cope with my tremendous loss. I thought that talking about it would help me get out all of the things that have been racing in my mind. I also thought that it would be the only way to keep her memory alive.

Independence Day

On July 4th, 2013 at around 4 a.m. my life changed forever. One year ago today my husband and I found out that we were expecting our first baby. I remember that early morning so vividly because it was one of the happiest days of my life.