There is no Competition amongst Bereaved Mothers

There should be no competition among bereaved mother's about who's loss is worse. Losing a child at any age is still losing a child.

I'm always amazed by the ignorance of mothers who feel as though their loss was harder because their child was a live no matter how briefly that child lived. I am always pleasantly surprised by the parents who have lost grown children but still get that we share the same pain.

I have a co-worker who lost her son a long time ago due to gun violence in the city of Richmond...but she gets it. She gets that as bereaved mother's we all experience different stages of grief.

One month after Malaysia past I joined a couple of support groups for bereaved parents. In one of the groups I was the only one who lost a child that was not an adult. I met a mother who's son was lost to drinking and driving and me and this mother bonded. Talking about our losses together was effortless. This mother....she got it.

This past Tuesday I went to work and as I walked into the health center I asked our Medical Assistant how she was doing. Unexpectedly she said not good. I asked her why and she told me that she was coming up on the one year anniversary of her teenage daughter's death. Without telling her yet that I have also lost a child she completely opened up to me. I believe this was because she could sense that I was not uncomfortable and that I was interested in her story. I think that most bereaved parents know that the usual reaction when you tell someone that you have a child that has died is that the person gets very uncomfortable and does not know what to say. I listened as this mother discussed with me her daughter's personality and what she liked to do for fun. I listened as this mother discussed how she takes the long way home everyday to avoid the road where her daughter got into a fatal accident. I listened as the mom blamed herself for not purchasing her daughter a newer "safer" car. And then this mom told me that her daughter's room is the exact same way that her daughter left it a year ago on the day she died and that she was not looking forward to celebrating any holidays because there was nothing to be thankful for.

This is when I told her that I understand why she does not like to celebrate holidays because I have a daughter who passed away and I do not like the holiday season either. I also explained to her that it is normal for a bereaved parent to not want to pack up their child's room. When I told her that I got how she was feeling even though our situations were different. She stopped me and said that the loss is not different because I still am a mother without her child. I thanked her for understanding and we hugged. This mom totally got it!

Yesterday I spoke to a  relative from England that was visiting and quickly realized that she did not get it. Mind you, I have not seen this relative since shortly after Malaysia was conceived three years ago and this relative did not reach out to me to give her condolences...never...not once. No phone call, no text, no Facebook message. So naturally I thought that she would say something about my daughter's passing when I was spending time with her and my other family...you know....address the elephant in the room. Nope nothing! Maybe I was mistaken...maybe their was no elephant in the room, maybe she did not think that my daughter's life mattered. While we were at a  chinese food restaurant she asked me a question about the tattoo that I got in honor of my daughter. I told her that it was my daughter's name and she immediately got into the story of her loss. Sure I was interested in hearing about her loss. But less than 15 seconds were spent discussing my daughter. While telling me the story of the passing of her second child she told me several time how her loss was worse because her baby lived for four months. I should have said something right then and there but did not want to turn her off of me. Technically her child only lived four months longer than my daughter and in the eyes of many bereaved parents who have lost older children stillbirth is worse because I never got to have any memories with my child, never got to see her eyes, never got to hear her cry.

 I wish that people could think back to the day they delivered their first child and remember how amazing it was to meet their baby for the first time and then imagine it being the complete opposite. Imaging going into a hospital after 8 months of trying to conceive with your spouse, almost 10 months carrying a child and 22 hours of labor  to find out that you will not be leaving the hospital with your baby, that while you are being pushed out of a hospital in a wheel chair your baby is being pushed to the morgue. Maybe this will help people get it.