Happy birthday Malaysia May!

Feeling Guilty

It has been two months since I have written a new post and three months since I have written my daughter Malaysia in my journal. I am feeling very guilty about this. I feel that the least that I can do is write two her once a month on the 12th which is her date of birth. I mean after all she does not to get showered with love from family and friends. Writing to her every month in my diary is my way of staying connected to her.

When will stillbirth prevention be taken seriously

I work in a healthcare system where I am surrounded by talks of prenatal and postpartum care. It is a bit frustrating because I see so much focus on pregnant women but no one discusses the possibility of stillbirth. I want to shout to the whole world to stop being so blissfully ignorant. Stillbirth is a reality, us mother's of angel babies we are here. I feel as though so many people ignore stillbirth and what us mother's go through.

July 4th...again

One year ago today I started this blog as a way to help me survive the death of my daughter. I also wanted it to be a place where other mothers of stillborn babies could visit and feel less alone in their grief. The first several months following Malaysia's death the only time I felt normal was when I was reading the stories of mothers who had experienced similar losses. I could relate to the pain that they were feeling, a pain that only the mother of an angel baby would understand.

I chose July 4th as the day to start my blog because it was the day that I found out that I was expecting my beautiful baby girl.

Leading up to this day I could feel my emotions starting to build up. Right now I am imagining Malaysia playing in her kiddy pool with her red, white and blue bathing suite on. I'm imagining her looking up at me with a big smile.

Mother's Day

My feelings this past Mother's Day were mixed. On one hand I so desperately wanted people to remember that I am and will always be a mother. On the other hand I think there is nothing more cruel than not having my daughter here to celebrate the holiday with me.

It's complicated...

I wanted people to call me but I did not want them to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. I just wanted to know that they remembered. For some reason Mother's Day is the only holiday through out the whole year that I actually want to celebrate. Yet, I do not want to be around other mother's and their children on this day. Every other holiday means nothing because I cannot celebrate it with Malaysia. 

But Mother's Day....

It is a day to celebrate that I created a beautiful baby girl even if she was taken too soon. A day to remember that I AM a mother even if I cannot hold her. A day to be grateful that I get to feel the greatest love and bond that I will ever feel in my life even if it is coupled with the strongest grief. 

Love, Malaysia

Malaysia's Memorial

Her Ashes

Today marks 14 months since the tragic birth of my daughter Malaysia May. Two months ago on the one year anniversary of her birth we celebrated her life with family and friends at a beautiful golf course. 

In the months preceding her memorial I had this idea that having a memorial for May might give me some peace of mind. As a mother, whether your children are alive or passed on you possess this natural urge to DO for your children.

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I'm really tired of people using their children as an excuse to not come around me and my husband. It's as if parents feel like oh if I can't bring my kids with me than I can't be around you. Really? So these parents have no time to themselves, no hobbies, no husband and wife time (if they had no husband and wife time I doubt that their relationship would be lasting) absolutely no adult that can watch their kids? People might try and say they can't be away from their children but it's B.S.

Waiting

Waiting for the day that my longing for Malaysia is no longer excruciating.

Waiting for the day that my hope is restored.

Waiting for the day that I can look forward to my future.

Waiting for the day I can consider having another child without feeling like I would betray Malaysia.

Waiting for the day that my blog entries are less about sadness and more about metamorphosis.

Waiting...

Our Bond is Eternal

The following is a poem that my cousin Alex wrote for me a few days after the passing of Malaysia. I read the poem at a service of remembrance for families who have lost babies of their own.

Our bond is eternal and can never be replaced

Waiting for the day I'll see your beautiful little face

You will always be the love of my life

We can visit each other in my dreams.

I will cherish the memories we have already made

My love for you will never fade. 

I will always be your mother,

That will never change.

My darling Malaysia May, 

I pray you will watch over me always.

For you will always have my heart and

No one will ever take your place

Then, now, and forever you will always be 

My precious daughter who stole my heart from me.

Give my love to grandma, 

Listen to her always.

This is not a good bye, more like a hello

Because I will never let you go

11 Months

Today marks the 11 month anniversary of my daughter's birth. I try to write my progress on this blog every month so that I can measure my growth. It is one of the rituals that I do every month to acknowledge my daughter's life. I was a little bit hard on myself for not writing a post OR writing a letter to Malaysia for her 10 month anniversary. It was not as though I forgot about her birthday. I remembered it last month just as I do every month. It is hard to forget the most significant date of my life. I simply did not get around to writing her last month. Today I made sure that she had pink roses beside her urn and that I wrote a letter to her. The letters that I write to Malaysia are my way of keeping the bond that I have with her strong.