July 4th...again

One year ago today I started this blog as a way to help me survive the death of my daughter. I also wanted it to be a place where other mothers of stillborn babies could visit and feel less alone in their grief. The first several months following Malaysia's death the only time I felt normal was when I was reading the stories of mothers who had experienced similar losses. I could relate to the pain that they were feeling, a pain that only the mother of an angel baby would understand.

I chose July 4th as the day to start my blog because it was the day that I found out that I was expecting my beautiful baby girl.

Leading up to this day I could feel my emotions starting to build up. Right now I am imagining Malaysia playing in her kiddy pool with her red, white and blue bathing suite on. I'm imagining her looking up at me with a big smile.

Christmas

A gift from her aunt Donna

This Christmas was so very different from last Christmas. Last Christmas my husband and I were filled with joy. We put a Christmas tree up and exchanged gifts. We talked about how exciting Christmas 2014 would be because we would have our baby girl with us. However, this year I could not bare to celebrate it.

Back to Work

So today is my third day back to work since losing my daughter. The worse thing about it is that I am working for a non profit agency for children with autism and behavioral disabilities. Today has been really hard because there were small children and babies in the office and I could hear them crying. A crying baby always sets off an alarm in me. Today when I heard the crying my body began to heat up and pressure built up in my forehead. I felt like I was going to explode if I did not let the tears drop that I was trying so hard to hold back.

Malaysia Airlines Crash

 

Call me crazy, but I am starting to believe that the Malaysia Airlines crashes are a sign. The questions that I am unsure of are; what kind of sign is it and from who is this sign coming from?