Not So Happy Thanksgiving

I started to write this blog entry on Thanksgiving day when I could not stop crying because another holiday had come and I was reminded again about what my baby girl was missing out on.

Today is a not so Happy Thanksgiving. I knew back in February that I didn't want to celebrate any holiday this year without my Malaysia. Today my heart aches for my baby girl. I imagine what today would be like with her here. I probably would be at my grandmother's house surrounded by family. Malaysia would be a happy and playful 9 month old baby. Of course she would have been wearing an adorable holiday dress. I would have sat her next to her cousins and taken a group photo of the next generation of McKays just as my mom did when I was younger. She would have enjoyed feasting on whatever solid foods that I could give her safely.

All of these would haves will never come true for Malaysia. Instead they will only be fantasies in my head. These fantasies help me cope with her loss.

9 months

Yesterday was the 9 month anniversary of my daughter Malaysia's birth. I always have a hard time emotionally on the 12th of every month AND leading up to her birthday. It seems as though my longing for her is getting stronger and stronger as each month goes by. All I can do is imagine what my 9 month old baby girl would be doing right. Would my sweet baby girl be saying "ma-ma" or "da-da" right now? What type of solid foods would she be eating? Would she be able to walk while holding on to something. There are so many milestones that I have missed and will continue to miss out on.

Halloween

Malaysia May's one and only Halloween costume

This year I anticipated that October would be a hard month for me. It is one of my favorite months of the year and I had already planned out what Malaysia May's costume would be this Halloween a whole year in advance. I wanted to make visiting the local pumpkin patch a family tradition for my little family of three. Last year when I was pregnant on Halloween I ordered a skeleton shirt off of etsy.com that had a baby girl skeleton with a pink bow. It reminds me a lot of Malaysia's ultrasound because she was smiling in her ultrasound picture. Little did I know when I wore our tandem costume that it would be Malaysia's first and last Halloween costume. I had planned on Malaysia wearing a lion costume this Halloween because I always found animal costumes for babies to be simply adorable.