I started to write this blog entry on Thanksgiving day when I could not stop crying because another holiday had come and I was reminded again about what my baby girl was missing out on.
Today is a not so Happy Thanksgiving. I knew back in February that I didn't want to celebrate any holiday this year without my Malaysia. Today my heart aches for my baby girl. I imagine what today would be like with her here. I probably would be at my grandmother's house surrounded by family. Malaysia would be a happy and playful 9 month old baby. Of course she would have been wearing an adorable holiday dress. I would have sat her next to her cousins and taken a group photo of the next generation of McKays just as my mom did when I was younger. She would have enjoyed feasting on whatever solid foods that I could give her safely.
All of these would haves will never come true for Malaysia. Instead they will only be fantasies in my head. These fantasies help me cope with her loss.
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