I had taken a pregnancy test the day before at Kaiser Medical Center and my husband would not stop talking about it. He was beyond exited at the possibility of becoming a father. I had decided that I wanted to try for a baby about 9 months prior. However, my husband had been wanting to have a baby for about 3 years.
I had just rolled out of bed when my husband began begging me to go online to kp.org and find out what the results said. I told him that I doubted that the results would have been posted already but that I would check it out just in case. When I read the results, my heart stopped for a second. I could not believe my eyes. The test said POSITIVE! I felt a whirlwind of emotions. I was excited, nervous shocked, proud and happy all at the same time; not to mention I got to tell my husband the words that I knew he had been waiting to hear, "you're going to be a daddy".
His reaction was just as I expected it would be. When I told him that I was finally pregnant, I seen the greatest joy in his eyes and the biggest smile that I have ever seen him make. After he gave me a gigantic bear hug, he got down on his knees and said a thank you prayer to God. It was a moment that I should have video recorded but I know that I will never forget it.
The timing of the pregnancy could not have been better. I had just graduated from undergraduate school on May 25, 2013 (I am pretty sure that our baby girl was conceived on my graduation night :-)...) and I was working on my medical school application. I planned on starting medical school in the fall of 2015 so that meant that once our baby was born I would have a little over a year and a half to spend playing mommy before I had to hit the books heavy.
Fast forward to today and my life is nothing like I expected it would be a year ago when I was announcing my pregnancy to everyone. I should have a beautiful four month old baby girl who can smile, laugh and almost sit up. I should be going to my family BBQ and showing off Malaysia in her festive red, white and blue tutu and matching onesie (we bought her a lot of tutus). I should be spinning her around in a pool while she is wearing the oh so cute vintage looking bathing suit that my mother bought her. I should be taking a boat load of pictures to celebrate Malaysia's first 4th of July.
Instead, I am trying to sort through this mess that has become my life. I am trying to cope with the realization that my daughter is gone forever and all of the wonderful memories that we were supposed to have together can only be fantasies. I can't wait until the day that I meet my baby girl again.
Malaysia May's Mommy
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